Lea – the battle cry of a bore?

Author: Deviance
BDSM & Society | Stories

In this series, on International Women’s Day, the members of the Deviance team introduce themselves and tell us what drives them. This time: App and web developer Lea, who demands respect instead of just acceptance and turns anger into implementation energy. Before you read this text, another tip from Lea:

Grab some tea, coffee or whatever, blast Bukahara’s “Canaries in a Coal Mine” album via Spotify or Apple Music and sit back.


Content/trigger warning: murder, threats of violence

The opinion of the society

Society perceives me as an unsuccessful bore. A stroke of fate led to me only being able to complete vocational school and having to drop out of my subsequent training. But I can proudly say that my grades were really very good. A little bragging is allowed for everyone.

My first course of study was discontinued by my university, so I switched to a distance learning course, which I could no longer afford after I lost my job in the Corona crisis in 2020. And so, despite getting top grades, I’m left without a degree. In the same year I decided to further my training as a web developer.

Their verdict

Our society is defined by performance. Performance at work, but also in your love/sex life. And even then I’m deadpan. Because I am demisexual. And this at a time when people swipe right for quick sex and women are still sometimes viewed as sex objects. When I was in the dating market, I was accused of prudishness and all sorts of really bad things. For example, you would only have to really rape me once and it would break me open. Yes, you read that right.

Nobody understands that my sexuality is not a choice.

I was told – always with a certain critical undertone – that as an “independent woman” I would scare men away. The first thing that comes to mind when I hear these words is: “Why men?” After all, there is a wider range of genders and more sexual preferences than heterosexuality. Not that the critics are wrong, but I think that simply assuming this is presumptuous and stereotypical.

The BDSM community and me

The chronic critics were all the more amazed when they found out that I was doing an internship at a company that was launching an introductory app for the fetish community. And I’m damn proud of it.

Because even if I don’t consider myself a part of this community, I feel connected to the scene because of my sexuality, which deviates from the mainstream. Plus, I basically grew up with her. For me, BDSM and fetishes are normal because many people in my family’s colorful circle of friends and acquaintances are and were part of this very community. When I hear “were” I think of an acquaintance who is no longer there because she was murdered.

I had known her since I was a small child. Not good, but still. She had always been there. Until she wasn’t there anymore. She was murdered out of greed. The crime had nothing to do with the BDSM scene in which she was active, but the judge had set the sentence for the perpetrators very low because, in his opinion, the victim had moved in a violent and dangerous environment.

Since my time at Catholic primary school, it has been clear to me that the BDSM and fetish scene takes on an outsider role in society. But the fact that the discrimination and contempt for these people goes so far that murderers get a really low sentence because the victim was into SM still makes me angry.

My path to Deviance

When I saw Deviance’s job advertisement, the memories of the people from the scene – especially the murdered acquaintance – made me want to do something for this community.

Although I met many women who learned web development during my training, women are still rarely found in the IT professional world. During my many applications for coding jobs since June 2020, I noticed that in my case this is only partly due to my lateral entry into the topic, but also because I am not male, not a “bro”.

Additionally, due to the setbacks in my life, society views me as unsuccessful, if not sometimes worthless. I see it differently. I see myself more as a fighter with a good dose of humor and self-irony. I am also grateful for the setbacks and blows of fate, because I am not defined by them, but by the fact that I have never given up.

There is constant talk about acceptance in Germany. But in my opinion it is not only the case that our society is not capable of accepting people in their beautiful diversity, but also that mere acceptance is worth a damn.

As a woman, I don’t want to be accepted, I want to be respected and every person deserves respect.

Now I’m doing an internship at a company that has nothing to do with the conservative working world that I was previously familiar with, and whose product helps supposed outsiders. I say “allegedly” on purpose, because based on what I’ve learned about the topic so far, I’ve discovered that we all have a fetish without exception, but only a few have the courage to actually admit it.

My resume may not fit the bill. But the truly individual path of my life has led me professionally to a subject area that I can proudly stand behind.

Anger is good

Do you think my text sounds angry? Of course he is, because I’m angry. Isn’t it you when you see all this ignorance?

Anger is feared by our society because many who feel anger do not know how to use it properly. However, anger can be a constructive force. She is the strength that can make you stand up when no one believes it is possible anymore. Both literally and figuratively. If we want to change something, the only way is to embrace that anger and channel it into constructive action.

Because anger is the power that fuels my will not to give up. Not myself, but not people either. The anger puts a smile on my face. She motivates me to stand up for people and myself. The same goes for the BDSM community.

“You can’t help yourself if you don’t help others.

If you would like to be selfish, you should do it in a very intelligent way. The stupid way to be selfish is seeking happiness for ourselves alone. … the intelligent way to be selfish is to work for the welfare of others.

The Dalai Lama

Last words

Life is not easy. Thank God. It gives us the opportunity to experience and feel so much. It’s okay and great to laugh, to scream, to cry. To respect, love and grow with the world in its colorful diversity.

Now, as you listen to Bukahara’s album, don’t you want to throw your arms up in the air, laughing, tears streaming down your face, and scream “WE ARE STILL HERE”?

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