How to dom: 12 tips for beginners

Author: Deviance
Kinky Life | Recommendations

Control, dominance, taking responsibility… you like that. Would you like to play as a Dom and experience submission? Live out what you’ve been dreaming of for a long time? The whole thing shouldn’t be a jump into cold water. If you’re reading these lines, you’ve probably already understood that. To make it easier for you to get started in your Dom role, the following advice for Dom beginners will help.

This text with the title “12 pieces of advice for dom beginners” first appeared on Gentledom.de, one of the largest German-language educational sites about BDSM, and was kindly made available to Deviance.


Take responsibility and gather information

1. Sub determines the boundaries (taboos), but you decide what happens within these boundaries! Seek conversation and be aware of your responsibility. You have to inform yourself about risks and design your game so that it is safe. This doesn’t just mean physical damage, but also psychological and your relationship.

2. Be clear about what appeals to you and what doesn’t, and try to accept your own biases. It is certainly many things, but generally not an illness.

3. Find out more about the topic. Stories can be entertaining, but are often only of limited use as a template. There are many (non-fiction) books on the subject. And if you like, exchange ideas on appropriate forums. If you prefer real contact, find a nice BDSM meeting and visit it. Like any subculture, BDSM people also have certain words that outsiders don’t know.

Find your counterpart

4. If you have a partner, you should talk to him or her and take it slowly if he or she has no experience with the topic. Feel your way together.

If you’re solo, this isn’t a bad thing, because there are more sexually submissive people than dominant people, so your chances are pretty good. You don’t have to tell anyone directly, but you shouldn’t hide from your contacts the fact that you have little experience or even lie about it.

Virtually, you should treat your counterpart similarly to how you would in reality. Politeness is better received by most seriously looking subs than a “Hello slave, what are you wearing?” In short: Chat, email and speak in a normal language, i.e. the language you think you will use when meeting.

5. Take a close look at the other person before you play with him or her. Unfortunately, there are some BDSMers who have psychological problems, and that can also lead to problems for Dom.

Disclaimer: This does not mean that people with psychological problems should be avoided, but rather that these stresses must be addressed in order to take them into account as a factor and trigger in your relationship and your play. 

Set boundaries – together!

6. Find out about your partner’s taboos and set a safe word. Without a safe word, the dominant party can quickly find themselves liable to prosecution, because the submissive party must legally be given the opportunity to withdraw their previously given consent at any time.

7. Always new conquests are exciting, but it gets really intense if you only get involved with one or two people. And be discreet, especially if your playing partner is taken.

8. Clearly distinguish between the fantasies you want to act out and those you may have but don’t want and shouldn’t act out for moral, legal, or other reasons. Seduce, understand, relatively dominate

Seduce, understand, dominate proportionally

9. Feed the mind of the person who irritates you. Tension and desire are two factors that, like consistency, build up the power imbalance.

10. When punishing, pay attention to the proportionality between the offense and the respective punishment. Arbitrariness is a very negative character trait in a Dom.

11. It’s not just about your needs. And if you don’t understand and respond to the other person’s needs, you won’t be able to keep someone for long.

12. The most important piece of advice for beginners: Be responsible, stick to the truth and have fun!


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