How to talk kinky online… and how dafuq not

Author: KatKristall
Kinky Life | Recommendations

More and more people are using online dating

There it is: The online dating platform that is supposed to end your loneliness, the virtual door into your new hot sex life that will show you your partner, the entrance to… yeah okay, it’s just a dating platform. But a kinky dating platform. This is where the opportunities for unique conversations, encounters and acquaintances open up. Yes, even the kind that can become more intimate.

The first message

Viewed the profile, smiled at the picture, swiped right. And… A match! Your pictures appear next to each other, which doesn’t look bad at all. The sympathetically meant words appear on your screen, which can lead to a wide range of feelings. But panic and confusion are guaranteed. “Take the first step!” And now what? How to start? Where to continue? Where do we go from here?

Use given information 

A profile text is almost like a small advertisement, you describe yourself, what you like and what you are looking for. You will often find valuable information here that you can respond to. A conversation starter can be a joke, a comment or even a question. Reading a text, paying careful attention to the choice of words, interests, preferences and allusions shows attention and genuine interest. You want to get to know the person based on first impressions. That’s why it’s more appealing to start a conversation with the person you’re talking to than to start with yourself.

Perhaps the person writes on their profile that they like to drink coffee. They would probably rather answer the question “Do you have a favorite coffee shop? ” rather than “Can you send me a naked picture?”. Now you’re thinking: “But we’re on a kinky portal! I should be sexy!”

How about instead: “You like coffee? Maybe I can convince you to invite me over for one!”

Addressing people like in real life

A chat window is not a person you can talk to. Nevertheless, it’s a good idea to approach your messages exactly as you would approach a conversation in real life. You would very rarely get too close to a person, look them up and down, lick your lips and say: “Hey Susi50667 – hot chassis, I’d love to take you for a test drive”. Here’s a rough template for a message:

  • A greeting, ideally with a name.
  • A creative, short and friendly text, with reference to the profile text, profile picture or information on preferences. 

  • Ask a non-BDSM question that can be answered, such as a preference (food, movie, book, tree, Pokémon)
  • Give a few brief clues about yourself, such as your name or interests.
  • Friendly farewell.

Online dating – direct, more direct, totally out of line?

The Internet has no barriers. You can get exactly what you want with just a few clicks. Consumption? Amazon. Entertainment? Netflix. Sex? Porn websites. But relationships, whether love, sex, play or social relationships, are not simply added to the shopping cart.

Of course, when you register on such a portal, you want contact with someone. As in the case of Deviance, it should also be about BDSM, but it shouldn’t be the only thing it’s about. Direct can be good and interesting, many people don’t want unnecessarily complicated conversations. But if it’s only ever about BDSM, then you only get an impression of that side and that part of a person. 

But direct can be charming, for example by asking where a photo was taken, what a certain word in the profile text means, how you live a fetish, what you like and what you don’t like. All of this can be direct without invading your comfort zone. If you’re determined to be short and sweet, keep it respectful, tasteful and above all, stick to the basics.

Here’s a blacklist of single-line messages that speak for a single-celled organism:

  • “Hi, fuck?”
  • “Hey.”
  • “Hey there.”
  • “Hey, how are you?”
  • “I’d like to fuck you…”
  • “When I see you, I get a craving for…”

A no-go in kinky online dating: BDSM power dynamic from the first message

As soon as some people read the word “submissive” in the description, their language switches to Dom. While it’s possible to communicate from the beginning within a power dynamic, it can only be done with the consent of the other party. The same goes for submissive individuals towards Doms.

While there are people who enjoy this type of interaction and are not uncomfortable with it, a power dynamic should always be agreed to first. Forcing an exchange with your own choice of words, titles and expectations is not a good way to start a conversation. Another no-go is to directly assign a pet name or a form of address, which can be “sweetie” or “mistress”.

There are ways to ask for consent to establish a power dynamic already in the chat. Write your desire for this dynamic in your profile text and initially stick to the basic structure. One gray area is, for example, using formal language (like “Siezen” in German or “usted” in Spanish). It can happen in a message from the beginning if you refer to your and the person’s profile. However, without explanation or asking for consent, it can quickly become problematic.

Examples for using polite forms of address in German and other languages

“As a dominant person, manners are very important to me. If you agree, I would like to use the following language in our conversation: (…).”

Please note: If someone answers “No”, this should be respected. However, if you continue to use the polite form, you are crossing a clearly defined boundary.

In online dating, quantity is not the same as quality

You often write a lot of messages online, so it’s tempting to write a message that you copy and paste into the chat window over and over again. One that is friendly and cool – surely that will work?

Unfortunately, it doesn’t. Most people notice when you simply copy a message, especially if you have put some effort into your own text.

Of course you can copy parts, your self-description, even your opening question. But this is not the universal solution for quickly finding a partner. It’s worth investing the effort in a real conversation based on honest interaction, in which you put in the time and effort. It usually pays off more.

Pay a little attention to spelling

Just like in your profile text, good expression, spelling and punctuation show the other person that you are making an effort. According to surveys, around 80 percent of online dating users attach importance to correct spelling and stylistic expression. These few extra seconds should therefore be invested.

If you’re not a pro at spelling or have a weakness, let your match know at the beginning so that they don’t get the impression that you’re not taking the time for them.

Ensure clarity when sexting

If you decide that you want to get sexy online, you should keep the following things in mind:

  • Get the explicit written consent of the person you want to send your pictures or erotic texts to beforehand. Without this, it is sexual harassment.
  • Be sure that you can trust the person with these images. The internet offers endless opportunities to share pictures, messages and media.
  • Get written assurances that your messages will not be shared with third parties and ensure that you do the same.
  • Explain your boundaries and wishes before you send the pictures. Dealing with these statements is another good opportunity for a trust check.

  • Set these boundaries when you are sober, under no pressure and not yet in the flow of the game

A question of approach 

Dating is often the great unknown. There is no ultimate formula for first messages, getting to know each other or swiping right. It’s about interpersonal, social, playful and, with a bit of luck, romantic relationships. So don’t take it too seriously or scientifically. It can be funny and a few mistakes are allowed.

Last but not least…

If a conversation doesn’t feel good for any reason, your gut feeling kicks in or something else seems suspicious, say goodbye politely, preferably with the words that it’s not right for you after all, and end the match. Nothing has happened yet, your interaction has only been non-binding in the digital space. For this reason, you should still be particularly careful if someone pressures you to disclose personal data. You can find these and other red flags, which fortunately can be recognized early on, here.


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Do you like what you see? You can find these and many more clearly ambiguous designs on a wide range of products from shirts and tops to sweaters and hoodies, as well as caps and home accessories in the Deviance Shop! #ExpressYourKink

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