How to sub: 12 tips for beginners

Author: Deviance
Kinky Life | Recommendations

Surrender, submission, giving up control… that’s what you like. Looking to experience submission and dominance? Would you like to put your fantasies into action? This should not be a jump into the deep end. If you’re reading these lines, you’ve probably already understood that. The following advice for sub beginners can help you get started in your sub role.

This text was published first on, one of Germany’s largest educational sites about BDSM, and was kindly provided for Deviance.

Acknowledge and understand your needs

1. Try to accept your sexual desire. Your education or day-to-day persona may be in stark contrast to your sexual preference, but both can be balanced.

2. Do not confuse the pleasure of submission with love. Although it can be an extremely intense feeling, it is fundamentally something completely different.

Determine what you want. And – more importantly – what you don’t want.

3. Listen to your gut feeling and think carefully about what you want before you start. Do you want a romantic relationship with a dominant person? Or do you just want to feel what it’s like to be submissive?

4. Get informed about the topic. Stories can be entertaining, but are usually only of poor suitability as a reference. There are many (non-fiction) books on the subject. And if you like, exchange ideas on appropriate forums. If you prefer real contact, find nice BDSM meet-up groups and go there. Like every subculture, BDSM-people have certain words that outsiders don’t know.

5. Imagination is one thing, reality is something completely different, your imagination is an indicator of your real sexual appetite, but not more. If you have never felt the whip, you cannot say whether you will enjoy it or suffer from it. Define your boundaries (taboos) and when you have found someone, share them. Also agree on a safeword.

Find your Dom

6. Be extremely careful with your personal information when interacting virtually. When chatting, make sure you don’t use your real name. Do not reveal too much personal information immediately. For example, if you really want to have something sent to you, use a packing station.

7. If you are actively looking for someone, write to potential partners yourself and don’t wait to be contacted. Don’t be afraid to turn down a dominant person, even if you’re a beginner sub.

Safety in every situation

8. Subs should always be actively covered when meeting for the first time and the date should take place in a public place. This may take away some of the excitement, but is safer in 99 percent of cases.

9. Unfortunately, quite a few Doms have issues that they want to compensate for with BDSM. Such Doms are potentially dangerous. Double-check information and if someone is lying, end the contact. Putting yourself in the hands of a dominant person requires a lot of trust. This is not an initial trust, but has to be earned.

10. Hygiene is not only important when having sex. While this is not a major issue in a monogamous relationship, outside of it it is. Sex toys need to be disinfected and you can’t do that just by soaping them up once. When in doubt, insist on using a condom not only during sex, but also with sex toys. Alternatively, you could also buy your own sex toys and use them exclusively.

11. Don’t forget: Being a Sub does not release you from taking responsibility for yourself! Keep reflecting on whether you are still doing what you really want. Communicate if you fear that one of your boundaries might be violated. Especially when you are at the beginning of your relationship: Always pay attention to your own safety and don’t blindly rely on the other person.

12. Stay true and have fun!

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